leaving my room i don't want to // open course!!! she sets herself apart from the rest by flexing and feeling her best!! "arms extended outwards, i will take you in not because i love you, but because i don't want anybody else to have you!!! we will fuse together into a self-hating chimera!!! will you notice once your hands have turned into paws???"

if we were lost in a forest a place where you can't hear my screams i'd offer my body for sustenance and leave the rest of me to bleed to sleep if i got lost in a forest like all those kids we used to know would you send out a party to find me? or would you rather nobody know? it's okay, i have my little kitchen knife to keep me warm cut the paint from underneath the styro and reshape my form into something that would look good while starved and rigid in an open casket and i'll sit outside during the procession and eat chips i stole from hell

stop! my bile has sunk into the carpet floor drill hands, i know this hurts my darling, though your tongue has fused with hers in the shape of mockingbirds your skin is panicked pink flushed and cut to ribbons i think it's all over my spine bent sideways i drove her car off the marina while it sinks, i say: "baby, i'm so scared." but you tell me: "it's okay."

i see my one true chance of escape tucked tight into the arms of a prettier face something that's smooth and shaped and un-pained shoulders unstrained, for the need to try and be small has forever ceased it never even existed in the first place in a matter of time, i'll fuck up and they'll find that i don't belong here and they'll send me to sea on a ship made of leaves something destined to sink and break apart from my weight one expects to know the beast before it can be slain to tear its jaw out and drive it back into the sea i'm always in fear because i truly know that the only monster here is me

"as if you were never here we buried every last morsel of memory we wasted upon your face the stupid way your teeth never lined up when you smiled stamped onto these thoughts and defiled all those writings on the walls of your abandoned prison cell 'a battle inside me i can never win' i've never seen anyone quit quite like you did granted, it took years upon years of trial and error sleepless nights and fears of pleasure gutless and hopeless, you drowned in that river i picked up your camera and i biked away i'll sell all these photos of your memory to people who won't know you ever existed as if you were never here"

my words wash away in the rain fall in defeat the ground will swallow your sweat and spit it back out when it's raining my words caused them nothing but pain it's this old feeling of being watched again all over, cuts matter all knife an image on yr wall just another fucking burning memory oh mick, do you think we're the same? you're nothing like me let me add another footnote in our chapter a thing to tell yr friends another gossip old friend story have you spent a year in your room? have you had to see your friends move on without you in real-time? have you ever wanted so bad to hit something deeper than styro have you ever imagined what life would be like if 2021 didn't end in failure?

wrapped up, i stay alone let's feed the woods let's make our minds mine is made of twine sewn up in the university stepped out onto the F wing

13 years have passed since i made the songs that ruined my life the windows are always foggy and the rain is always blown sideways chipping the paint off the side of the apartment complex the same building my sister used to live in across the hall from her old room i have a girlfriend i know our relationship is based on the lies i told her told her i was the coolest guy ever it's been 13 years since the last time i considered myself a girl i've reverted back into myself i've buried sarah in the backyard her fingers frail and her face stuck in fear i made sure she would never be found my arms still grow new scars every day for the rest of my life my arms will grow new scars every day for the rest of my life i've given up my body to someone that truly hates me i hear her as she snickers and sneaks out of the building thinking i'm asleep when i haven't felt tired in days she leaves her promise ring on the granite kitchen counter there's a nightclub not too far from where we live sometimes the dark indigo lights shine through the cracks in the walls i can only imagine all the laughter, all the smiles all the people that have meat left in their shells sweaty symbols of lust crunch together as hard as ever before she takes off her panties outside in the alleyway he cums inside her next to the fresh puke on the corner she holds him tight and says: "thank you for being alive." i'm still stuck to my bed, feeling more sick than ever before this was always my path ever since the day i was born every week, i try to hang myself from the bathroom door but every week the stool fails to support my weight and sometimes i step down myself because there's a part of my brain that tells me being dead is a nicer fate than i deserve so i'll cry myself to sleep putting the beach house tape in passed out by the time the trip to norway begins but awake long enough to hear that it's happening all again i feel i've bled this body for all it was worth and that's why i ran out so fast