1. |
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leaving my room
i don't want to
//
open course!!!
she sets herself apart from the rest by flexing and feeling her best!!
"arms extended outwards, i will take you in
not because i love you, but because i don't want anybody else to have you!!!
we will fuse together into a self-hating chimera!!!
will you notice once your hands have turned into paws???"
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2. |
the knife
01:34
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if we were lost in a forest
a place where you can't hear my screams
i'd offer my body for sustenance and leave the rest of me to bleed to sleep
if i got lost in a forest
like all those kids we used to know
would you send out a party to find me?
or would you rather nobody know?
it's okay, i have my little kitchen knife to keep me warm
cut the paint from underneath the styro and reshape my form
into something that would look good while starved and rigid
in an open casket
and i'll sit outside during the procession and eat chips i stole from hell
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3. |
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stop!
my bile has sunk into the carpet floor
drill hands, i know this hurts
my darling, though your tongue has fused with hers
in the shape of mockingbirds
your skin is panicked pink
flushed and cut to ribbons
i think it's all over
my spine bent sideways
i drove her car off the marina
while it sinks, i say:
"baby, i'm so scared."
but you tell me:
"it's okay."
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4. |
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i see my one true chance of escape
tucked tight into the arms of a prettier face
something that's smooth and shaped and un-pained
shoulders unstrained, for the need to try and be small has forever ceased
it never even existed in the first place
in a matter of time, i'll fuck up and they'll find that i don't belong here
and they'll send me to sea on a ship made of leaves
something destined to sink and break apart from my weight
one expects to know the beast before it can be slain
to tear its jaw out and drive it back into the sea
i'm always in fear because i truly know that the only monster here is me
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5. |
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6. |
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"as if you were never here
we buried every last morsel of memory we wasted upon your face
the stupid way your teeth never lined up when you smiled
stamped onto these thoughts and defiled
all those writings on the walls of your abandoned prison cell
'a battle inside me i can never win'
i've never seen anyone quit quite like you did
granted, it took years upon years of trial and error
sleepless nights and fears of pleasure
gutless and hopeless, you drowned in that river
i picked up your camera and i biked away
i'll sell all these photos of your memory to people who won't know you ever existed
as if you were never here"
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7. |
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8. |
face
05:25
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my words wash away in the rain
fall in defeat
the ground will swallow your sweat
and spit it back out when it's raining
my words caused them nothing but pain
it's this old feeling of being watched again
all over, cuts matter
all knife
an image on yr wall
just another fucking burning memory
oh mick, do you think we're the same?
you're nothing like me
let me add another footnote in our chapter
a thing to tell yr friends
another gossip old friend story
have you spent a year in your room?
have you had to see your friends move on without you in real-time?
have you ever wanted so bad to hit something deeper than styro
have you ever imagined what life would be like if 2021 didn't end in failure?
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9. |
the one and only self
05:26
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10. |
sewn
03:41
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wrapped up, i stay alone
let's feed the woods
let's make our minds
mine is made of twine
sewn up in the university
stepped out onto the F wing
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11. |
my future
05:55
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13 years have passed since i made the songs that ruined my life
the windows are always foggy and the rain is always blown sideways
chipping the paint off the side of the apartment complex
the same building my sister used to live in
across the hall from her old room
i have a girlfriend
i know our relationship is based on the lies i told her
told her i was the coolest guy ever
it's been 13 years since the last time i considered myself a girl
i've reverted back into myself
i've buried sarah in the backyard
her fingers frail and her face stuck in fear
i made sure she would never be found
my arms still grow new scars
every day for the rest of my life
my arms will grow new scars every day for the rest of my life
i've given up my body to someone that truly hates me
i hear her as she snickers and sneaks out of the building
thinking i'm asleep when i haven't felt tired in days
she leaves her promise ring on the granite kitchen counter
there's a nightclub not too far from where we live
sometimes the dark indigo lights shine through the cracks in the walls
i can only imagine all the laughter, all the smiles
all the people that have meat left in their shells
sweaty symbols of lust crunch together
as hard as ever before
she takes off her panties outside in the alleyway
he cums inside her next to the fresh puke on the corner
she holds him tight and says: "thank you for being alive."
i'm still stuck to my bed, feeling more sick than ever before
this was always my path ever since the day i was born
every week, i try to hang myself from the bathroom door
but every week the stool fails to support my weight
and sometimes i step down myself because there's a part of my brain that tells me being dead is a nicer fate than i deserve
so i'll cry myself to sleep
putting the beach house tape in
passed out by the time the trip to norway begins
but awake long enough to hear that it's happening all again
i feel i've bled this body for all it was worth
and that's why i ran out so fast
|
elizabeth whitington Martinez, California
she was easily distracted and got lost in her own head.
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